Heal Before You Hustle: Why Black Men Need to Take Time After a Breakup

Let’s keep it 100 — breakups hit men different.
A woman will cry, call her girls, post a Drake lyric on her IG story, maybe even book a therapy session. But a lot of us? We put on the poker face, go back to work, and try to act like nothing happened.

We’ll post pictures flexing, buy new clothes, hop in the club with fresh kicks… all while secretly dying inside. Because deep down, that breakup feels like losing a limb. You don’t just lose the person — you lose the routine, the comfort, the vision y’all had for the future.

But since we were kids, we’ve been told:

“Man up. Don’t cry. Keep it pushing.”

Problem is, “keep it pushing” often means we’re pushing straight into destruction.

When a brother goes through heartbreak, nine times outta ten, he runs to one (or more) of these:

Liquor as a Lifeline – We drink to “relax,” but really it’s to not think. According to the CDC, alcohol use spikes by 35% in the months after a breakup, and binge drinking is highest among men ages 25–40 — prime years for Black men.

Sex as a Distraction – We try to smash away the memory. But no matter how many bodies you add, she’s still in your head. And the truth? Every “just for fun” hookup chips away at your peace.

Weed & Drugs as a Numb Button – We tell ourselves, “It’s just to take the edge off.” But the high is temporary; the hurt is permanent unless you deal with it.

Porn as an Escape – Quiet killer. It rewires your brain, kills intimacy, and sets up unrealistic expectations. Studies show that regular porn use is linked to higher levels of loneliness and depression in men.

Black men are 20% more likely to experience serious mental health issues than the general population (APA). Divorce or breakups can increase depression risk in men by up to 70% in the first year (Journal of Men’s Health). 63% of Black men have never sought therapy, even after major life events (Mental Health America). Substance abuse rates rise sharply after heartbreak — with alcohol and marijuana being the top go-to’s.

These numbers ain’t random — they’re reality. And ignoring them doesn’t make them go away.

A lot of us think the cure for heartbreak is a “new boo.” We hop in a situationship, or line up “options,” thinking it’ll help us forget. But here’s the truth:

“If you haven’t healed, you’re just bleeding on people who didn’t cut you.”

When you don’t give yourself time to heal:

• You carry baggage into the next relationship.

• You attract broken people because you’re still broken.

• You sabotage healthy love because you’re operating from pain, not peace.

Alone time is where the real work happens.
It’s where you face your own thoughts without numbing them.
It’s where you start to hear God’s voice above the noise.

In your alone time:

• Journal — get those thoughts out your head and onto paper.

• Work out — physical health boosts mental health.

• Pray daily — even if it’s just, “Lord, help me make it through today.”

• Read — feed your mind with wisdom, not just entertainment.

You’ll start to remember who you were before the relationship — and even discover new parts of yourself.

Here’s the part most men skip. We try to love a woman without first learning how to love ourselves… and without letting God love us first.

Scripture says in 1 John 4:19 — “We love because He first loved us.” When you fall in love with God first:

• You don’t need a woman to validate your worth.

• You’re less likely to tolerate disrespect or play games.

• You become a steady, secure man who can lead with love instead of fear.

A man rooted in God is a man who’s ready for real love — not just attention.

The Healing Plan: 7 Steps to Get Your Mind & Heart Right

1. Cut off the contact — Delete, block, unfollow. Healing needs space.

2. Build a daily God routine — Prayer, scripture, worship music in the morning.

3. Get your body right — Hit the gym, run, or play a sport.

4. Find a brotherhood — Men’s group, church, or a positive crew.

5. Learn something new — Skill, hobby, or trade.

6. Limit vices — No binge drinking, porn, or random hookups.

7. See a therapist — Even one session can change your perspective.

Black man — you are not weak for hurting. You’re weak if you refuse to heal.
Don’t let the streets, the ‘Gram, or the boys fool you — real strength is in self-control.

Fall in love with God first.
Fall in love with yourself next.
Then, and only then, fall in love with her.

Because the woman God has for you doesn’t need you to be perfect — but she does need you to be whole.